I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a few days now, but I haven’t wanted to commit to anything. I feel like once I’ve written it down here, that’s it; that’s my decision – whereas elsewhere I can write, I think I might be giving up and it’s just a way of comforting myself. Like, it makes me feel better to think that I could just stop, if I needed to, I could just stop fighting.
But now I think.
I think I’ve reached the point where I believe it is more dangerous for my mental health for me to continue with recovery (right now) than it is for me to restrict. I know the sense of control my ED gives is an illusion, but it is an illusion of control that I need – it is only a defence mechanism, but I still need defending. This time, I’m conscious that I’m using my ED to displace other problems, but the truth is that if I keep looking those problems in the eyes, I think they will kill me. The fight is not over, not at all. But for now, I need a ceasefire.
I ate well, yesterday – a lot, of course, it being Christmas – but I didn’t feel I’d binged, afterwards, or panicked, or felt so full I was on the verge of vomiting and still gone on eating, at any point. But still my body aches from food this morning, and when I put on clean underwear I flinch from the marks where yesterday’s bra cut into my skin. I feel swollen, bruised. I cannot bear to look down at myself, when I get dressed, or when I stand in the shower. I only need a few weeks, just to take that pressure off myself. It is a kind of torture, to be trapped in a situation you hate so much and know that if you try to change it, you have failed. At the moment, I cannot tell which is the greater and which the lesser evil, and if I were feeling psychologically stronger – the way I felt in October, for example – I would be able to handle it; but right now I’m at the tail end of a bout of very intense depression, and I can’t.
I don’t want to think of this as failing, or as relapsing, because I’m conscious of my decision in a way I’ve never been before, and I’m aware that I’m using my ED to handle something else, and this is all very different to how things have been before. But this is it for now.