getting better.

Having done Saturday’s photo blog, finally, I realise I haven’t even talked about yesterday, which was a day with its own triumphs.

Basically, the church by uni was holding a Christmas carol service in the evening, & I’d arranged to go with the aforementioned new friend from my course – this was the first time we’d hung out outside of class hours, so that felt like a big deal for me in itself, heh. I was going to go with my housemates too, but in the face of the X-Factor final they turned out to be too lazy – so then it was JUST me and my new friend, and I looked like I was just pretending I had other friends as well, haha. But anyway. I wrote on LJ:

I’m kind of weirdly nervous because… I don’t make friends. And it feels like when you just start dating someone (this is very hypothetical because… I don’t date, either, lmfao) but I don’t know what’s normal, you know?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, AGAIN.

But actually once we met up it was fine, and we had a laugh, and I think it went really well!

Why am I including this on a Recovery blog? Because not so long ago, I didn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t put myself out there, because I hated myself without reservation, and I didn’t have the strength to face potential rejection or make myself vulnerable. This example may be a friend-date, rather than a date-date – but it stands for the same thing. I’m finally facing the world, and learning that people can like me, and do like me, even if I am the socially awkward penguin incarnate.

Also, because there were free mince pies & mulled wine afterwards, and (admittedly I’d only had toast for dinner, because as I mentioned earlier, I just wasn’t feeling food yesterday evening) I had both without a moments hesitation – I knew I could, I knew it was okay, and I genuinely wanted to. (Yep, wanted to! – Miss ‘I Hate Drinking Alcohol Calories and Don’t Really Like Mulled Wine Anyway’). My friend ate three, wouldn’t you know it (she’s about the size of my leg) – but even then, it didn’t even occur to me to get all bingey and start overeating: I knew it was an option, but I’d had enough (and usually, socially, if other people are eating a lot I’d find that very triggering).

The fact that I’m even writing these things down as ‘triumphs’ makes me feel a little like the geekiest, most pathetic person ever (‘I talked to humans! I ate a small tart in a public place!’), but I think they really do matter. And I think they just prove, you know. That I’m getting better.

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