you are not alone.

If this is my story, then it’s just the barest bones of it so far. The skeleton of it, except obviously not literally any more. Three and a half months since I committed to recovery for good, and it was a terrifying decision to make – to be well, forever. Three meals a day for the rest of my life; never be that thin again. It was time, and I was ready for it – it was long overdue, honestly. But it was still a terrifying decision and, because secrecy is such an integral part of eating disorders, I found myself completely on my own with it.

Three or four weeks ago, I was alone in the house and I couldn’t sleep, and perhaps it was the middle of the night talking, but I just didn’t think I could do it anymore. I was eating like a fucking nutritionist but nothing was changing, and the initial pride and success was wearing off, and I was still just scared, and fat, and – I was lying there crying myself half to death, and then I went upstairs and sat on the bathroom floor – you know, the way I used to sit in the days I’d choke my guts up into the toilet bowl – and just sobbed, and I wanted to pray, or something, but I had nothing to pray to. I needed someone to look me in the eyes and tell me I wasn’t alone, and that things would be okay.

And I saw this:

I know this is about LGBT bullying, but I think it’s something that applies to everyone who’s struggling with something that no one understands and that they feel completely on their own with. It was what I needed anyway – I must have watched that video twenty times, until I knew it off by heart and could say the words along with Chris. And I knew I would get up in the morning and have breakfast, and I knew I would keep fighting.

So, one way or another, Chris Colfer has somehow become my poster boy for recovery. Honestly, he gives me courage – and I haven’t chosen that word at random. In his current Glee storyline, courage is the word Blaine texts Kurt in the face of LGBT bullying: courage is the word you hold in your heart to keep you going, however overwhelming the world becomes. And as I’ve learned more about Chris – he’s kind of a geek, and he has a severely epileptic sister (I have an epileptic brother and sister, although not as severe as his), and he was bullied a lot at school – I’ve been able to relate to him more and more, and he gives me the hope I need. That it will get better.

Know that you have friends, you are loved, and that you are not alone. And know that despite such a current challenging time, there is so much to look forward to. I promise, it gets so much better.

Chris Colfer.

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